Why I'm Sick and Tired of LOVE

I love you.

I love ice cream.

I love my kids.

I love Ed Harris. (Squeal!)

I love my parents.

I love purple.

“Love” is a catch phase we slap on anything we like, enjoy, feel obligated to, or care about. We walk out of a movie and say, “I loved that!” We think of our favorite famous person and say, “I love him” when we’ve never even met him. We turn to our significant other and say “I love you so much.” This word is so convoluted we may not understand its true meaning. Lately, I’m asking “What is love anyway?” 

According to many spiritual traditions, the highest level of human capacity is love. But, how can we attain love when we don’t know what it really is? So I charge you, dear reader…what the heck is it?

Is it caring deeply about someone or something? Is it being nice even when you don’t want to be? Is love equal to patience, allowing others to be who they are and accepting them no matter what? Is love the same as peace? Is love serving others, even when you’re exhausted? Is it being the best parent you can be to your child? Is it letting someone go when you know it’s time? 

Language fails us when it comes to love. 

It’s like trying to see air. We know it’s there. We know we experience it, but defining it is like grasping water. So we’re left with dumb analogies to describe it. 

Is love a feeling? Or is it an action, something we do? We can love someone that we dislike. We can perform a loving action when we are angry or hurt. So apparently the feeling and the action don’t need to match. The Bible tells us love is patient, kind, and does not boast. But what about “tough love?” Also, sometimes love hurts like a sword through the heart. So…wtf?

Love is like the Eastern concept of the Tao.

 

“The Tao that can be named is not the true Tao.” Anytime we try to define it, it eludes us. However, we toss the word around like it’s no big deal. 

“Love” has become synonymous with anything that makes us feel good: junk food, sex, a hot musician, a place, a person, a book, a new outfit. OMG, I am so confused! We have a lot of things and emotions disguised as love. Maybe they point toward love, but they still aren’t love itself. 

I’ve grown suspicious of this word. If someone says they love me that can mean ten different things. It might make better sense to say, “I care about you.” Instead of “I love chocolate”, how about “Chocolate brings me pleasure!”

If we look beyond the human notions of love, we can sorta grasp that love is the force of creation. It’s the energy that runs the universe. But if that’s the case, why can’t we just use the word creation? Also, this gets hairy because if love is the essence of the universe, mustn’t we also admit a huge part of that is destruction? But it seems incorrect to equate love with destruction. Creation and destruction are two sides of the same coin. Maybe love is the space that holds this coin. If so, love is still responsible for destruction. Maybe destruction isn’t a bad thing then. Perhaps destruction is merely transformation. If that’s the case then we should “love” death, hurricanes, and wars. Sigh.

Love is sometimes promoted as something to be earned or bought when we know damn well it’s neither. Marriage can’t be equated to love. Sex is not love. We love someone but later fall out of love. That doesn’t seem like true love then, does it? Or we say “I love him, but I had to let him go.” How can we love someone that is no longer a part of our reality? What we really mean is “I love the memory of him.” Again, it points to love, nothing more.

I prefer never to utter the words “I love you.”

First, the plainness dilutes the profound feeling of fondness. I’d certainly feel offended if you addressed your esteem and attachment to me in those barely attired terms; doesn’t our relationship deserve a better-dressed expression?

Second, “I love you” are not your words! They belong to millions of people before you. Why borrow such a hackneyed expression dulled by universal habit?

Choose a more personal verbal assembly-something that expresses your personality or, more to the point, your complex appreciation for the one you love.   

 –Philippe Petit, Creativity, the Perfect Crime

I understand words like care and peace. But, I do not know what “love” really means. I can only savor the occasional moments I experience it, laying down my desire to grasp it or define it.

The New Explorers

The year is 1856. There are no cars. No internet. No phones. In the name of England you’ve been sent to a giant land mass which your map simply labels “unknown”.  Your mission? To locate the source of the world’s longest river. 

After a four-week ship ride you arrive and your journey begins. You are greeted with mosquitoes that sow the seed of malaria into your bloodstream. You encounter a king who force feeds his daughters beef drippings and cream to make them obese as a symbol of his wealth, control, and power. You tarry on. Weeks turn into months. The sun beats ruthlessly upon you day after wicked day. Dysentery rakes your intestines.  Botflies crawl under your epidermis, laying their eggs there to stay warm and be hatched just below the surface of your physical boundary. Your porters constantly steal your supplies and abandon you. Yet each day you wake up and put one dusty boot in front of the other. 

At times the weather is so uncooperative you must stay put for months at a time, fighting unknowable loneliness and boredom. You write letters to your family to be received one year hence. You keep a journal of your travels, but the humidity rots the pages, reminding you of your own impermanence. These are just a few of the typical scenarios explorers faced as they traversed undocumented areas of this large rock we call Earth.

Gone are the days of real explorers. 

With the exception of the deep ocean, everything on Earth has been discovered. There is no New Frontier on Earth anymore. You could argue that space is the new frontier, but it’s not the same. Not any ol’ Joe Schmoe can cruise up to space. Only a select few can. Back in the day, anyone could pack up their family, toss their possessions into a covered wagon, and journey west in search of adventure, and a better life. Nowadays it’s difficult to get past airport security to visit a nearby city. 

I’ve always been obsessed with historical explorers. Who were these crazy people? Why did they do it? Now that every inch of Earth has been seen, where is the explorer spirit? Have we turned to inventing things? Curing diseases? Still, this isn’t the same as traveling inhospitable landscapes, facing extreme hardship, and never knowing what danger lies beyond the next bush. 

Now, I’ll let you in on my little secret… I want to be an explorer! (Okay, I’ll opt out on the botflies.) But I want to discover new terrains. I want to look challenge in the face and step closer. I want to see what’s on the other side of discovery. Vasco de Gama, teach me your ways! 

The New Face of Exploration

The age of classic exploration is over. In a culture that grinds routine and busyness into every moment of our day, and obligation into every thought, how can we be modern day explorers?

There is one uncharted territory left, one you have easy access to. You don’t need a ship to get there. You don’t need Queen Isabella to fund your journey. You don’t need to stake your claim in the name of any country. Best of all, you needn’t worry about a hostile tribe licking their chops with hunger when they see you approaching.

The New Final Frontier

My friends, the final frontier is our own human potential. The modern age of exploration demands that we journey internally rather than to foreign lands. Inside each of us is a vast and largely uncharted landscape. There are lakes of memories, mountain ranges of hope, and caves of fear. There is that large massive island labeled “unknown.” 

Famous explorers’ names splash across the pages of history books everywhere. To us, their achievements are incredible. However, they hardly found themselves remarkable. They were just doing what needed to be done, day after day. They walked and stumbled through hardship and challenges. Sure, we may never experience the same kind of trauma these men and women faced. But don’t we also stumble through hardship, face challenges, and put one dusty boot in front of the other each day? 

We all have an inner “explorer.” When a friend mentions something new she wants to try, I see the twinkle of the explorer in her eye. Our daily lives can be viewed as a quest through the inner wilderness. Some of us are daredevils, jumping out of airplanes for fun. Some of us are entrepreneurs, building businesses from nothing. Some of us are philanthropists, serving others in amazing ways. Some of us are teachers or philosophers. Some of us are raising the next generation of little explorers. We all face adversity in life: the diagnosis of a devastating illness, being up all night with a sick child, reaching out to a friend in need. 

Each day we chart new paths, make decisions that affect our route, and each day we distance ourselves a bit more from past tragedies. Our lives may appear small on the surface, but inside each of us is a vast frontier that unfolds without a map to guide us. Each day we take another step and see what lies beyond. At times, like the great explorers, we are hopelessly lost. Sometimes the inner storms are so huge that we must stop and be still for several months. Like the great explorers of history, it is only by getting lost, trudging forward, and doing what must be done each day that we come to know ourselves and the mysterious place within us called “unknown.”

Additional resources for curious minds:

The Explorers by Martin Dugard

Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales

The Mapmakers Wife: A True Tale of Love, Murder, andSurvival in the Amazon by Robert Whitaker

Living on the Bell Curve

Emotions pretty much run our lives and nearly always outwit logic when it comes to making life choices. There is a wide array of emotions we can experience during our lifetime. I think the range of emotions a person can feel can be visualized by the traditional bell curve. A few times in our lives we may experience deep sorrow. A few times we may be lucky enough to experience ecstatic bliss. Most of the time we're somewhere in the middle.

With the exception of a couple twisted folks out there, most people dislike pain. In fact, most people will do nearly anything to avoid it and its other negative cohorts. On our bell curve these "negative" emotions are represented on the far left side of the bell curve. We want to limit the experience of these kinds of emotions. We tend to shy away from activities that will result in a painful outcome. We in essence try to cut off the far left side of the bell curve of the human experience.  What we fail to realize however is that when we do that, we also cut off the far right side of the bell curve thus limiting our access to the deepest joys, the most profound beauties, and the moments that defy explanation. We spend the bulk of our lives in the center of the curve, mediocre and numb.

We don't take that big career risk or relationship risk because it might end badly and give us pain. We practically forget these very things could also bring the highest elation, freedom, and happiness. In so doing we settle. We stop asking for what we really want and we live in the center.

Are we willing to expand the bell curve and allow ourselves to experience the wildest bliss AND the deepest sorrow? Can we embrace both sides openly without judgment? (I think so!)

Ramblings on the Nature of "Group Think"

I have a confession to make. I was a big metal head in high school. Back in the late 80's it was an interesting sub-culture. The guys were expected to wear ripped jeans, Metallica T-shirts and long hair. They were expected to drink beer, smoke pot and generally act like immature womanizers. The ladies were expected to wear mini skirts and other sluttish clothing and flaunt over the headbanger guys. This is when I first became aware of a concept I call "group think".

You see, I was something of an anomaly in heavy metal culture. I was a girl, but I worn the ripped jean and Metallica shirt. I wasn't a druggie. I guess some of the guys were hot but what I really loved was the music. I wanted to discuss the merits of Kirk Hammett's guitar playing to Dave Mustaine's. Who was the better guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne? Was it Zakk or Jake or Randy? Very few people in the scene could hold a decent conversation about the music itself. The people enjoyed the roles of the sub-culture, but knew very little about the actual music behind it all.

A similar thing occurs in other sub-cultures. I recently found myself surrounded by a clan of devout followers of a certain religion. Being the outsider, I immediately noticed they all dressed, talked and acted exactly the same. I felt like I'd stumbled onto the movie set for "The Steppford Wives". Creepy.

The same thing occurs in racial cultures. Are there not clothing stores, music and products that cater to specifically to a certain race?

I even see this in blog culture. All the blogs I used to enjoy now all sound the same, touting the same message. Have they influenced each other so much that they have succumbed to group think? Is the need to belong so strong that we must stop thinking for ourselves and start dressing, talking, behaving and believing like the others in our favorite subculture?

Maybe group think it's a bad thing. But when folks tell me they chose a certain religion because it was what they were raised with or that someone they admire chose it I feel concerned. I've even had people tell me that just in case Hell IS in fact a real place, they want to know they are safe when they die. They don't necessarily choose a belief system based on the belief system itself.

I'm sure I'm not immune, but I gotta ask... should we be more capable and more willing to think for ourselves? Is the urge to belong so strong that it over-rides the true essence of the underlying sub-culture? Do we like having a set of prescribed rules given to us so we don't have to think about anything? Are we afraid of ridicule of being different?

I'm thinking about this a lot lately.What if an African American wanted to enjoy country western music? Would he keep it to himself for fear of being ostracized? Or would the thought even occur to him to enjoy something so far-removed from his own culture? A few married people I know choose to not be monogamous. A lot of people dislike them for breaking the rules of traditional marriage. And we occasionally hear the story about the scientist or the religious leader who suddenly stands up and goes, "Hey this isn't right. Why are we playing by these rules?"

When Thomas Edison invited his scientific colleagues to come view his new form of light, no one came. They did not believe what he was saying because it simply didn't fit into their groups way of thinking.

I often wonder what I am blind to because of my own belief system and sub-cultures that I enjoy. It's nearly impossible to see when you are blind.

Our Greatest Tool

I certainly know when life gets overly busy. The blog is the first thing to go. So much for my anticipated discipline of posting twice a week. All the "build your blog audience" sites drill home the point that you must post often and consistently. Then it occurred to me that I don't much care about building an audience right now, so that's one less pressure I need to worry about. I'm gonna post when I want when I feel moved to. There, I feel better already! Now on to today's topic.

I've been writing a lot about ego lately. During the last months I've been experimenting with some concepts around ego. It seems that people have two parts to them. The identity part, the part that is the story we tell about ourselves; and the part of us that lies "behind" our identity which I call the Authentic Self. We spend most our waking hours living in our identity/ego. We only occasionally slip into operating from the Authentic Self. We've all had the experience of being "in the zone", or having an intuitive flash about something, or doing something that comes effortlessly. We can also find this place while engaged in activities that totally turn off our mind chatter. Meditation, yoga, free dancing, or listening to music are a few things that do it for me.

Yet we cling to our ego. We truly believe we ARE our identity. I think we do this because we spend most of our time identifying with our identity! Yet, I also know that living from that ego place invokes a place of constant distress. We suffer from "not good enough" disease. "I want more" or "I want something else". The ego is never satisfied for long. Like a hungry savage dog, it constantly needs fed more meat. It does this so it can survive and continue to be needed by us.

Some traditions teach that the ego is something that should be overcome, or that it is a total illusion. I disagree. The ego is very real and in fact I believe we do need it to function in the world. Without an identity we would walk around like cattle. We wouldn't be able to function in the world and create stuff. We wouldn't be able to communicate with each other because for the most part we still communicate through our physical bodies. We relate to others based on their identity. ie "She is a female" or "He is a child" or "He doesn't like me", or whatever. However, we are only being our true self when we are in the ego-less state of  Authentic Self. So what's a person to do about this dilemma?

I think it would serve us well to change the way we view the ego. Ego is not the enemy, nor is it something we should get lost in. The ego is a TOOL. In fact it is our greatest tool to express the Authentic Self in the world. If we can view ego as merely a tool it suddenly becomes easy to be detached from it and everything it does. It also causes me to want to honor that ego. It is only through "her" that I am able to experience this amazing thing called life. It is only with her capacities that I can create things in the world using her particular set of talents. And through this amazing "tool" I can experience and relate to other people who are merely other expressions of Authentic Self. Suddenly my ego becomes a beautiful and amazing thing and the most precious tool I currently own. Although I realize it is only "on loan" to me for a rather short period of time. I must enjoy her and "use" her as much as I can while I have access to this amazing thing called EGO.

Links that Rocked my Week

So how's 2011 shaping up for ya so far? I have decided I'm going to start my new year on January 10th. I need to chalk last week up as a loss and hit the reset button. That's ok, it happens sometimes. Anyhow, got some great links to share this weekend so here goes...

Die on Purpose by David at Raptitude- If you read my article No Identity Day you'll enjoy this one. David offers us another exercise in taking a break from our ego. I've tried it a few times and it's very cool.

Find the Joy in Your Life by Matt Koenig A great reminder about what creates real joy.


Do You Remember Who You Wanted To Be? by Tina Jett a quote from this article, "We get so crippled by the notion of how we should live our lives, based on society’s unwritten rules or our own." Time to shake up the rules a bit perhaps?

Have a great weekend! I have a follow up article coming on the ego stuff which I'm very excited to share with you on Tuesday!

Throwing Goals out the Window

Happy 2011 everyone! Have you broken any New Year's Resolutions yet? Just kidding. Hopefully we can go at least one week before doing that.

I know a lot of people set goals this time of year. I am an ex-goal-fanatic. I've been goal-free for about two years now and don't see myself going back anytime soon. Now allow me to insert a disclaimer before proceeding. I think goals are great for many people. They can get people moving in the right direction and help create the motivation to keep moving forward. However, I also think goals can be harmful if we hang on to them too tightly.  Most goal-setting programs tell us to set specific measurable goals. ie a time deadline or a certain dollar amount. But I now disagree with this method after doing otherwise for a couple years. Here's why...

1. Goals cause unnecessary stress. I would always feel terrible if I didn't hit my goal. I would beat myself up about it and be blind to the progress I did achieve. I would then start pushing myself even harder and typically end up sick, tired, and fed up with both the goal and myself.

2. Goals cause laziness. On the flip side, when I did achieve a goal I would routinely become complacent afterward. For example, I used to have a set dollar amount I wanted to earn each month. Some months I'd hit the mark in two weeks. I could never get much done for the rest of the month. I think on a subconscious level I knew I hit my goal, so why work even harder? It took me some time to recognize this pattern because I wasn't doing it intentionally, but it happened enough times that I eventually make the connection that as soon as I hit the goal I would tune out and become a slacker.

3. Goals blind us to other opportunities. I was so focused on my goal that if anything different presented itself it was seen as an annoyance or a roadblock. Never an opportunity. Goals put us in a state of tunnel vision and I think we end up missing a lot of fun things or other creative possibilities by keeping our eye on the prize.

This isn't to say that we should wander around aimlessly. But I think we need a fresh way to approach achievement and goals. I think we need to spend more time appreciating what we already have right now. So many goals are rooted in a belief that once achieving them we will be happier. But any goal that is born from a lack mentality will not fulfill us once attained.  We need new ways of setting goals that don't limit us or stress us out. Instead...

1. Set intentions. I have been experimenting with setting very loose intentions. I have certain areas of life that I want to focus on, but I don't put specifics on it anymore. I find I can be more flexible, less stressed if I miss the mark because there is no mark, and more grateful for what I am able to attain.

2. Be the right person. Rather than setting goals that are externally measurable, try setting the intention of being the best version of yourself no matter the external circumstance. This is way more fun and interesting. Through out the day I ask myself "How would the best me do this activity?" (I even ask this when doing laundry.) This allows us to know we are "living up to our potential" no matter what we are doing.

3. Gratitude for what is. The best thing about dumping goals is that it allows me to notice and appreciate what I already have. I find I live more in the present and less in some "grass is greener" future that goals would lure me into.

2011 is going to be a fascinating year. I am looking forward to seeing what comes along life's path this year. Really my only "goal" this year is to be the best ME I can and to remind myself to do that. I wish you the best on your life journey as well! Let's make 2011 the best one yet! If you are interested in more articles on goalless living:
http://zenhabits.net/no-goal/
http://zenhabits.net/achieving/

Holiday Hiatus

I'm taking a blogging break for the rest of the year to enjoy holiday time with friends and family. Look forward to getting more disruptive behavior going in 2011!! Happy Holidays!

Links That Rocked My Week

Alright Disruptors, more passion-finding-rut-disrupting links for your weekend! 

How Does Your Garden Grow? A Gentle Guide to Nourishing the Best in You by Gail Brenner: A lovely post about being gentle with yourself as you whether the passion discovering storm.

Why We're Bored (and how to fix it) by Mike Donghia. A treasure of a post offering up some scrumptious ideas for disrupting your rut.

Reclaim Your Creativity: 3 Steps to Bust Through Inaction by Tara Gentile. You somehow find yourself locked in the room of status quo. I can sure identify with this article, can you?

Links That Rocked My Week

Changing things up here a bit on the blog. For Saturdays, I'm scrapping the Happiness Is section and instead adding something that might be more useful to you all. Going forth the Saturday post will be links to other articles or videos that I discovered during the week that spoke to my heart. So here we go.

I've been writing a lot about passion lately and what it means to "find your passion". I'm stellarly excited to find some great posts out there in blogland this week pertaining to this topic.

How To Find Your Passion by Christine Kane. I love some of the ideas Christine presents here. She removes the pressure of finding this thing called PASSION and makes it simple and within reach for those of us who think passion has to be some grandiose thing that makes us want to shout from the mountain tops.

Finding Your Passion by Tyan. Tyan ads to something I've been touting about here- the idea that the passion thing is more about BEING rather than DOING. Check it out.

You Don't Need a Job, You Need Guts by Ashley Ambirge. Ash's blog is one of my faves. She is definitely a Rut Disruptor. This is her new book and I'm digging it. There is a fabulous section in the book about passion finding. Her theory is to combine what you love doing with who you want to BE. She explains it in a way that will captivate you as all her writing does so well.

Alright passion hunters! That's it for now. I expect some serious passion discovering to occur in the next few days. Got it?  I think even I might be figuring some things out. Dang!

Disruption Mission: No Identity Day

All the world's a stage

and all the men and women merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances,

And one man in his time plays many  parts.

-Shakespeare

photo credit: Ivan Bliznetsov

For centuries philosophers have stated that the ego is an illusion. Shakespeare's quote suggests that we are like actors and our very identity is just a "role" that we play for 80 or so years. The ego illusion concept is a core belief in Eastern thought as well.

Before we delve into our next mission, let us define what we mean by "ego". Simply put we mean our "self", our identity. One definition reads, "The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves." For me anything that defines who TORRIE is- that is part of ego. When I say I am an introvert, an artist, a mother, a person who hates beets- those are all just roles that "I" am currently playing. So if I am not really Torrie, I'm just playing the role of a woman named Torrie, then who am I really? I refer to that part as the AUTHENTIC SELF.

So herein lies the problem...
when I constantly forget that I am not really my ego. We get so sucked in to our story about ourselves that we believe it is concrete. In fact, we go out of our way to force things to fit into our little story about who we are because we don't want our story (our identity) to be DISRUPTED because that makes us feel very uncomfortable. We do this all the time when we say things like, "Oh, I can't meet new people because I am shy." So we go around playing the role of a shy person, and totally forget that we are just playing a role that is totally based on an illusion. Are you with me still?

I've been messing around with this ego stuff and having a grand ol' time with it. And I'm going to state a bold and super fun challenge for all of us: Pick one day and truly believe that your ego is a total fabrication of your own mind. If you find this hard to swallow, then just PRETEND, act as if your ego is an illusion... just for a single day. Are you willing to play along with me?

Now, what you will do during this assignment is to notice how you respond to things. Ask yourself, "How would I respond if I knew the ego wasn't real?" or another question I love from Byron Katie goes: Who would I be without my story?

For me I notice that I don't take anything personally because...well, it makes no sense to do so. When that dumb driver cuts me off (or flips me off) I wonder why they are having a bad day. I imagine that person laughing with joy, or crying with sorrow. I don't go, "You lousy #@#$%!!! What the F**** is your problem? Why are YOU taking your crap out on ME?" In other words I don't try to defend my SELF.

When the kids are behaving badly, I don't try to defend and justify my super-mom role. When something doesn't go according to plan I don't try to defend it. This allows me to see any situation with a crazy amount of detached clarity.

This is also a very powerful technique to use when facing a fear.
If we believe (or pretend to believe) that we have no real "self" to defend, then suddenly the idea of fearing failure seems absurd. And the absolute BEST part of all this is that when you begin to pull away from your ego the AUTHENTIC SELF begins to emerge. And all I can say about that is WOW. 

So won't you join me for one fine day of egoless living? Warning: if you try this you may want to keep trying it. Proceed with CAUTION.

Do Unto Yourself as you Do Unto Others

Here's a question: Why are we so hard on ourselves? If a loved one falls, screws up, or misses the mark how do we respond? We offer encouragement don't we? A listening ear, an understanding heart. We bring to their mind all the successes they've had, the unique talents they bring to the world. We help them however we can and wait patiently while they work through their personal disaster.

Now then...what is the response when WE ourselves do something less than stellar? We calls ourselves names, remember all our past failures, put ourselves down. Basically any form of "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" comes springing forth and we just accept it like we deserve the punishment. Like somehow we are making it better by tormenting ourselves.

Where does this "NOT GOOD ENOUGH" come from?

Not on an individual basis, but as a human species. Did the caveman say, "Me only catch one bear today. Me not good enough." Seriously. It's like a mental virus (a meme) that has spread through the human psyche. We can love anyone else through their issues, but no way, not our own self.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH is just an idea, a mental construct that we "catch" from our culture like a disease.

It isn't real. Let me say that again. It. Isn't. Real. We have the ability to extend grace, love, and patience to ourselves, just as we would any other loved one. I have discovered a very powerful question. I ask this to myself whenever I notice me beating myself up. The question is this...

"How would I be in this situation if I had no ego?"

Now I know your little ego is screaming out in resistance right now. Whether you believe the ego is real or not, just play along. Next time you feel the urge to begin hurling insults at yourself step back for a moment. Imagine your best friend is in the situation. What would you say to them? How much love can you pour on? Imagine that you have no ego to defend. If you can't let go of "ego" fine. At least remember all the past successes you've had. But for goodness sake, do for yourself what you so easily extend to others.

Yowza! I feel the next Disruption Mission coming on after writing this. Can you guess where we're gonna go? Stay tuned. It's gonna be a doozy!!

To BE or not to BE?

The bulk of my life has been spent obsessing over “doing” stuff. I must DO something in order to achieve something so I can feel fulfilled for 2 seconds. Then I must strive to find the next thing to DO, so I can DO it again. Of course the next phase of DOING must be grander than the previous, otherwise I am not progressing which means I am failing and basically wasting my time on this planet. No matter what I DO it’s never enough. There is always some other elusive “over there” to arrive at. I am tired of living like this.

 

Just DO it!

Our culture tells us that we must DO in order to BE successful.  So we fill our days with ridiculous busyness, DOING crap that doesn’t matter: shuffling our kids to numerous activities, fixing broken possessions or acquiring new ones, working at jobs we hate and commuting to those jobs. Everyone I know is so darn busy they don’t even have time for developing real relationships. Leisure time is spent in a pre-packaged activity that must end by a certain time so we can get to another appointment on time. 

If I take away everything I DO out of obligation, and everything I DO to feel fulfilled there is nothing but a hollow shell of a person.

Thus enters the concept of “being”. We seem to have the idea that we must DO something in order to become who we want to BE. How about the notion that we must BE first? If I am totally in a place of BEING then anything I DO will arise naturally from my beingness, not from a place of “I’m empty, so DOING this will fill me.” This is what Taoism means by “non-action”. I love the notion of just BEING a mother, a wife, a friend, a filmmaker and not worrying about the DOING part.

But what does it mean to BE? 

I would say a BEING person is one who is totally in the moment, no concern over past or future. They would live from a continually spontaneous place with absolute detachment from whatever DOING arises.

“Who cares?” Some of you may be saying. But for me this is a fascinating mental shift. One that I am going to explore more. 

For example yesterday I was DOING laundry. 

I detest laundry. So rather than thinking about how I have to DO the laundry (and feeling resentful about it) I decided to BE the person who does laundry. I totally focused on BEING in the process vs DOING so I can get this crap done so I can DO something else and cross it off my list and feel happy for half a second. It was really quite amazing. What does it mean to BE a mother vs DOING all the stuff mom’s DO? It is almost like you are concentrating on the role itself, not the job a role performs. 

It is much like being an actor. 

An actor focuses on playing the role. The stuff the character DOES is secondary. Also, the actor knows she is just playing a role so she is quite detached from the results of her character’s activities (doing). I am very excited about this! I love the idea of just BEING and not striving to DO DO DO all the time. What do you think?