Living on the Bell Curve

Emotions pretty much run our lives and nearly always outwit logic when it comes to making life choices. There is a wide array of emotions we can experience during our lifetime. I think the range of emotions a person can feel can be visualized by the traditional bell curve. A few times in our lives we may experience deep sorrow. A few times we may be lucky enough to experience ecstatic bliss. Most of the time we're somewhere in the middle.

With the exception of a couple twisted folks out there, most people dislike pain. In fact, most people will do nearly anything to avoid it and its other negative cohorts. On our bell curve these "negative" emotions are represented on the far left side of the bell curve. We want to limit the experience of these kinds of emotions. We tend to shy away from activities that will result in a painful outcome. We in essence try to cut off the far left side of the bell curve of the human experience.  What we fail to realize however is that when we do that, we also cut off the far right side of the bell curve thus limiting our access to the deepest joys, the most profound beauties, and the moments that defy explanation. We spend the bulk of our lives in the center of the curve, mediocre and numb.

We don't take that big career risk or relationship risk because it might end badly and give us pain. We practically forget these very things could also bring the highest elation, freedom, and happiness. In so doing we settle. We stop asking for what we really want and we live in the center.

Are we willing to expand the bell curve and allow ourselves to experience the wildest bliss AND the deepest sorrow? Can we embrace both sides openly without judgment? (I think so!)

Ramblings on the Nature of "Group Think"

I have a confession to make. I was a big metal head in high school. Back in the late 80's it was an interesting sub-culture. The guys were expected to wear ripped jeans, Metallica T-shirts and long hair. They were expected to drink beer, smoke pot and generally act like immature womanizers. The ladies were expected to wear mini skirts and other sluttish clothing and flaunt over the headbanger guys. This is when I first became aware of a concept I call "group think".

You see, I was something of an anomaly in heavy metal culture. I was a girl, but I worn the ripped jean and Metallica shirt. I wasn't a druggie. I guess some of the guys were hot but what I really loved was the music. I wanted to discuss the merits of Kirk Hammett's guitar playing to Dave Mustaine's. Who was the better guitarist for Ozzy Osbourne? Was it Zakk or Jake or Randy? Very few people in the scene could hold a decent conversation about the music itself. The people enjoyed the roles of the sub-culture, but knew very little about the actual music behind it all.

A similar thing occurs in other sub-cultures. I recently found myself surrounded by a clan of devout followers of a certain religion. Being the outsider, I immediately noticed they all dressed, talked and acted exactly the same. I felt like I'd stumbled onto the movie set for "The Steppford Wives". Creepy.

The same thing occurs in racial cultures. Are there not clothing stores, music and products that cater to specifically to a certain race?

I even see this in blog culture. All the blogs I used to enjoy now all sound the same, touting the same message. Have they influenced each other so much that they have succumbed to group think? Is the need to belong so strong that we must stop thinking for ourselves and start dressing, talking, behaving and believing like the others in our favorite subculture?

Maybe group think it's a bad thing. But when folks tell me they chose a certain religion because it was what they were raised with or that someone they admire chose it I feel concerned. I've even had people tell me that just in case Hell IS in fact a real place, they want to know they are safe when they die. They don't necessarily choose a belief system based on the belief system itself.

I'm sure I'm not immune, but I gotta ask... should we be more capable and more willing to think for ourselves? Is the urge to belong so strong that it over-rides the true essence of the underlying sub-culture? Do we like having a set of prescribed rules given to us so we don't have to think about anything? Are we afraid of ridicule of being different?

I'm thinking about this a lot lately.What if an African American wanted to enjoy country western music? Would he keep it to himself for fear of being ostracized? Or would the thought even occur to him to enjoy something so far-removed from his own culture? A few married people I know choose to not be monogamous. A lot of people dislike them for breaking the rules of traditional marriage. And we occasionally hear the story about the scientist or the religious leader who suddenly stands up and goes, "Hey this isn't right. Why are we playing by these rules?"

When Thomas Edison invited his scientific colleagues to come view his new form of light, no one came. They did not believe what he was saying because it simply didn't fit into their groups way of thinking.

I often wonder what I am blind to because of my own belief system and sub-cultures that I enjoy. It's nearly impossible to see when you are blind.

Our Greatest Tool

I certainly know when life gets overly busy. The blog is the first thing to go. So much for my anticipated discipline of posting twice a week. All the "build your blog audience" sites drill home the point that you must post often and consistently. Then it occurred to me that I don't much care about building an audience right now, so that's one less pressure I need to worry about. I'm gonna post when I want when I feel moved to. There, I feel better already! Now on to today's topic.

I've been writing a lot about ego lately. During the last months I've been experimenting with some concepts around ego. It seems that people have two parts to them. The identity part, the part that is the story we tell about ourselves; and the part of us that lies "behind" our identity which I call the Authentic Self. We spend most our waking hours living in our identity/ego. We only occasionally slip into operating from the Authentic Self. We've all had the experience of being "in the zone", or having an intuitive flash about something, or doing something that comes effortlessly. We can also find this place while engaged in activities that totally turn off our mind chatter. Meditation, yoga, free dancing, or listening to music are a few things that do it for me.

Yet we cling to our ego. We truly believe we ARE our identity. I think we do this because we spend most of our time identifying with our identity! Yet, I also know that living from that ego place invokes a place of constant distress. We suffer from "not good enough" disease. "I want more" or "I want something else". The ego is never satisfied for long. Like a hungry savage dog, it constantly needs fed more meat. It does this so it can survive and continue to be needed by us.

Some traditions teach that the ego is something that should be overcome, or that it is a total illusion. I disagree. The ego is very real and in fact I believe we do need it to function in the world. Without an identity we would walk around like cattle. We wouldn't be able to function in the world and create stuff. We wouldn't be able to communicate with each other because for the most part we still communicate through our physical bodies. We relate to others based on their identity. ie "She is a female" or "He is a child" or "He doesn't like me", or whatever. However, we are only being our true self when we are in the ego-less state of  Authentic Self. So what's a person to do about this dilemma?

I think it would serve us well to change the way we view the ego. Ego is not the enemy, nor is it something we should get lost in. The ego is a TOOL. In fact it is our greatest tool to express the Authentic Self in the world. If we can view ego as merely a tool it suddenly becomes easy to be detached from it and everything it does. It also causes me to want to honor that ego. It is only through "her" that I am able to experience this amazing thing called life. It is only with her capacities that I can create things in the world using her particular set of talents. And through this amazing "tool" I can experience and relate to other people who are merely other expressions of Authentic Self. Suddenly my ego becomes a beautiful and amazing thing and the most precious tool I currently own. Although I realize it is only "on loan" to me for a rather short period of time. I must enjoy her and "use" her as much as I can while I have access to this amazing thing called EGO.

Links that Rocked my Week

So how's 2011 shaping up for ya so far? I have decided I'm going to start my new year on January 10th. I need to chalk last week up as a loss and hit the reset button. That's ok, it happens sometimes. Anyhow, got some great links to share this weekend so here goes...

Die on Purpose by David at Raptitude- If you read my article No Identity Day you'll enjoy this one. David offers us another exercise in taking a break from our ego. I've tried it a few times and it's very cool.

Find the Joy in Your Life by Matt Koenig A great reminder about what creates real joy.


Do You Remember Who You Wanted To Be? by Tina Jett a quote from this article, "We get so crippled by the notion of how we should live our lives, based on society’s unwritten rules or our own." Time to shake up the rules a bit perhaps?

Have a great weekend! I have a follow up article coming on the ego stuff which I'm very excited to share with you on Tuesday!

Throwing Goals out the Window

Happy 2011 everyone! Have you broken any New Year's Resolutions yet? Just kidding. Hopefully we can go at least one week before doing that.

I know a lot of people set goals this time of year. I am an ex-goal-fanatic. I've been goal-free for about two years now and don't see myself going back anytime soon. Now allow me to insert a disclaimer before proceeding. I think goals are great for many people. They can get people moving in the right direction and help create the motivation to keep moving forward. However, I also think goals can be harmful if we hang on to them too tightly.  Most goal-setting programs tell us to set specific measurable goals. ie a time deadline or a certain dollar amount. But I now disagree with this method after doing otherwise for a couple years. Here's why...

1. Goals cause unnecessary stress. I would always feel terrible if I didn't hit my goal. I would beat myself up about it and be blind to the progress I did achieve. I would then start pushing myself even harder and typically end up sick, tired, and fed up with both the goal and myself.

2. Goals cause laziness. On the flip side, when I did achieve a goal I would routinely become complacent afterward. For example, I used to have a set dollar amount I wanted to earn each month. Some months I'd hit the mark in two weeks. I could never get much done for the rest of the month. I think on a subconscious level I knew I hit my goal, so why work even harder? It took me some time to recognize this pattern because I wasn't doing it intentionally, but it happened enough times that I eventually make the connection that as soon as I hit the goal I would tune out and become a slacker.

3. Goals blind us to other opportunities. I was so focused on my goal that if anything different presented itself it was seen as an annoyance or a roadblock. Never an opportunity. Goals put us in a state of tunnel vision and I think we end up missing a lot of fun things or other creative possibilities by keeping our eye on the prize.

This isn't to say that we should wander around aimlessly. But I think we need a fresh way to approach achievement and goals. I think we need to spend more time appreciating what we already have right now. So many goals are rooted in a belief that once achieving them we will be happier. But any goal that is born from a lack mentality will not fulfill us once attained.  We need new ways of setting goals that don't limit us or stress us out. Instead...

1. Set intentions. I have been experimenting with setting very loose intentions. I have certain areas of life that I want to focus on, but I don't put specifics on it anymore. I find I can be more flexible, less stressed if I miss the mark because there is no mark, and more grateful for what I am able to attain.

2. Be the right person. Rather than setting goals that are externally measurable, try setting the intention of being the best version of yourself no matter the external circumstance. This is way more fun and interesting. Through out the day I ask myself "How would the best me do this activity?" (I even ask this when doing laundry.) This allows us to know we are "living up to our potential" no matter what we are doing.

3. Gratitude for what is. The best thing about dumping goals is that it allows me to notice and appreciate what I already have. I find I live more in the present and less in some "grass is greener" future that goals would lure me into.

2011 is going to be a fascinating year. I am looking forward to seeing what comes along life's path this year. Really my only "goal" this year is to be the best ME I can and to remind myself to do that. I wish you the best on your life journey as well! Let's make 2011 the best one yet! If you are interested in more articles on goalless living:
http://zenhabits.net/no-goal/
http://zenhabits.net/achieving/